10 things my five-year-old needs to unlearn from watching Rudolph

Perhaps I'm just hyper-sensitive having sat through mandatory harassment training at work yesterday, but watching Rudolph the Red-Nosed Reindeer on DVD with my five-year-old, I couldn't help but think that, unless I intervene post-haste, some of the so-called lessons it espouses will one day either get my son pummeled in the schoolyard or escorted from his workplace by armed-guard.

Not for nothing, but much of what you can learn from Rudolph's tale, especially to a precocious five-year old, is just plain dumb.

So, for your enjoyment (or maybe displeasure), here are my 10 Rudolph takeaways (not in any particular order):

1. No matter how stupid their rules, you should do whatever your parents tell you to do, if it means fitting in.


2. It's perfectly acceptable to refer to a woman as "momma," at least around the holidays.


3. Dentists are gay.


4. When a girl says "I think you're cute," it's SOP to jump around in tickled elation and immediately follow it with a bout of playground grab-ass with your pals.


5. A carnivorous sasquatch whose had its teeth violently removed without the benefit of anesthesia is not a threat to you.


6. In fact, said sasquatch can now be easily terrorized by a gaggle of toy dogs.


7. Any person can get fat in just one day.


8. The fatter you get, the jollier you become.


9. You should only accept a misfit with open arms after you've figured out a way to use their disability.


10. The best way to tame a mean-spirited boss is to skip out on work for a few days and return having saved a few locals from certain consumption.

If I can correct the damage of these anti-lessons (with the exception of maybe #4 - some things a guy's gotta learn for himself), then I will have succeeded as a father.

Happy holidays!